The Inappropriate Grandma Rant

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You've heard of Dora the Explorer toys for young kids, right? And Thomas The Tank Engine? And I know you've definitely heard of Sesame Street and Winnie The Pooh toys. Well, this isn't a story about any of those. No, this is a story of how one woman took the whole gift-giving experience and transformed it into something that no one could ever have imagined.

We've all received inappropriate gifts at one time or another. You know, a gift that just doesn't make any sense no matter how you look at it. But there are inappropriate gifts and then there are INAPPROPRIATE gifts. We're talking about gifts that should never even have been considered for a particular person. A gift that is not just plain wrong for that person, but mind-bogglingly unsuitable. The shirts my grandparents gave me when I was a teenager come to mind.

Or how about the light-beige-colored and very effeminate winter jacket my Dad gave me when I was 13 years old and in grade 8. On receiving it I could immediately hear the catcalls in the school hallway of "femme" and "faggot" and "What is that, your mom's jacket?", etc. And, sure enough, when I wore it to school the next day I heard those exact same sarcastic putdowns, but this time for real, not just in my head. Yeah, yeah, I know I should have realized that the losers shouting out such names probably weren't going to be able to make it through grade 8 or 9, let alone a full coherent sentence, but, hey, I was only 13 years old, man, and that bloody inappropriate gift scarred me deep.

Well, recently - as in, over the past two years - I've witnessed a whole series of similarly inexplicable gift-giving decisions, though luckily none of these are of the scarring type. Well, at least not as long as they are stored way up high out of reach from the intended recipient. And that intended recipient, I should mention, happens to be my son, Kaishan, and the Inappropriate Gift Giver is none other than my very own Mom (a.k.a. his Grandma).

Whether it be a) the Amnesty International doll from hell that she scared the living daylights out of everyone with only a day after Kaishan's birth or b) the model plane made out of steel that she gave him at age one, which he, being, you know, one and all, quickly discovered made a great tool for hammering holes into, well, just about anything, or c) the Model T Ford Collector's Cars, with their tiny breakable components, normally found in the homes of distinguished gentlemen, next to their cigars, there have been some real doozies. But, don't worry, like I said, they're all up on The Shelf Of Despair, way out of Kaishan's view, let alone reach.

And don't get me wrong, these are some really great gifts... for when he turns 12!!!

I mean, the other day my Mom requested we bring out those Model T Ford Collector's Cars, with their tiny breakable components, and so we did... until Grandma herself ended up breaking one of them after about 2 minutes. Seriously!

Forget for the moment, if you can, the fact that the tiny components are extremely delicate and Kaishan is, well, Kaishan - a 2-year-old boy full of energy and a great desire to smash stuff - the real issue here is what on earth is a 2 year old to do with a collector's car and its Certificate of Authenticity?

And now, on her latest visit, Grandma just showed up with a Shakespearean warrior action figure. Yes, a Shakespearean warrior action figure! But Kaishan's two now, so, why not, right? It's from the Oregon Shakespeare Festival, after all, so it must be lots of fun for little kids. However, I must admit that I now find myself spending much of my time dreading the inevitable coming conversation: "Hey, Daddy, why are both the Shakespearean Warrior Guy and his horse in full-body armor and what do they do anyway?" "Well, son, they ride into battle to face near-certain death during times of war." "Is that fun Daddy?" "You bet it is, son, it's Shakespearean!"

But, before you go getting the wrong impression about my dear ol' beloved Mom, let me tell you that she's not just some totally-out-of-it Grandma and it's not just Inappropriate Gifts Galore that she gives her little grandson. No, she's also given him lots of wonderful stuff, such as Dr Seuss books, Richard Scarry's Best Word Book Ever, a stuffed polar bear toy, a wonderful animal book and the official Oregon Shakespeare Festival paper weight. No, wait, actually I think that last one was for me. Either way, the most important thing is that she knew not to give him any goddamn Julie Andrews albums. I'm pretty sure she's saving those for next year.

Oredakedo (Mike Cowie)
Friday, August 10th, 2007