The God Save The Queen Rant
You may have seen on the news 2 or 3 nights ago that the Queen was celebrating yet another 80th birthday and the British taxpayers were footing the bill for yet another elaborate celebration. That last one in April, it seems, was simply her "real birthday". This one, it turns out, was her "official birthday". Oh the joyous occasion.
Anyhow, as I was watching this on the news I kept waiting for someone to shout out, like that peasant to King Arthur in "Monty Python and The Holy Grail", "Who elected you anyway?" But, alas, no one ever asked the question.
That's over there in England, however, where they embrace the whole class thing, with their knighthoods and Earls and Dukes and Dames and all other such silliness. But this is Canada where we don't, right? We may have class here, but we certainly don't embrace it, do we? There's no way we respect such ridiculous notions as "good birth" and "good blood". The whole idea that some people are born better than others, that's just not our culture. Right? And, besides, wasn't that whole theory shown to be nothing more than a crock of shit long ago? So what's up with this archaic institution we call the monarchy and who is this bloody "Queen" woman anyway? And what is she doing all over my country's money??? And, yes, damn it, who elected her as our Head of State? I mean, the woman doesn't even live in our country for #%& sakes!!
I guess The Sex Pistols were right. Ok, so it might not be a fascist regime, but there certainly can be no real future for a country like Canada that accepts at its very foundation such a silly and irrational reality like this. A country that after 139 years is still too immature to embrace full independence from its former colonial master. I mean, come on, some woman living across the ocean on the other side of the world is actually, right now, at this very moment, this country's Head of State. Hello?! Is something wrong with this picture or what? Seriously, it's really nice of her to use up some of our surplus tax dollars while visiting here every 5 to 10 years or so, and she sure is a good waver and all, but what the #%&* does she have to do with Canada anyway?!
I mean, think about it, what does retaining this ridiculous institution say about our basic beliefs as a country? How can we not be a republic by now? It really makes you want to ask, if not scream out: When are you going to grow up Canada? When are you going to make logic, rationality and modernity your friends?
So, as I was saying, I was watching this on the news and while watching I simply couldn't help but think the same things I always think when I see the Queen on TV: Who are these ridiculous people out cheering for her and what kind of people get so excited about the bloody monarchy that they'll actually take to the streets to yell and scream in wild enthusiastic jubilation? And how can anyone actually admire, let alone worship, this woman simply because of the supposed superiority of her birth, whatever the hell that means? I mean, we ARE talking about the most inbred family in Europe here. A family that married nothing but cousins for centuries. Hardly what you'd call superior blood lines.
You can excuse the older people in my grandparents' generation for loving the Queen because they were basically brainwashed during their youth into believing in the superiority of the "well-bred", but, hey, it's now the 21st century and younger people (that is, all those under 80) simply have no excuse!
"But the Queen's a nice lady", I hear some people say. To which I say, so what?! What on earth does that have to do with being the Head of State of Canada? My Nana is a nice lady too. And not only was she born here in Canada, she even lives here as well. And, hey, on top of all that, she's also a great waver. So why can't she be the Queen?
Perhaps we're just not mature enough yet to be an independent country? Perhaps we should ask the British to come back and rule over us until the day we feel we're ready to have an actual Canadian as Head of State?
African, Asian and Latin American countries couldn't wait to throw off the chains of their former colonial masters, yet here in Canada some people actually embrace them. I mean, my god, until the mid-60s our country's national anthem was, insane as it may sound today, "God Save The Queen" - and not the Sex Pistols' version either. Can you get any more pathetic than that?
And isn't it just a bit absurd that new citizens of Canada have to swear allegiance to the Queen? Am I the only one troubled by such complete stupidity? Come on people, swearing allegiance to the Queen??? What is this, the Dark Ages?
Really now, if we've got to have some foreign non-resident as Head of State couldn't we at least pick someone who has actually accomplished something? How about Nelson Mandela? Or Aung San Suu Kyi? Or Martin Scorsese? Or Bob Dylan? Or Pele? Or Woody Allen?
Now Woody would sure make a more interesting Head of State than this Queen woman... and he lives a lot closer too. Think of it, he could even visit Canada once every 2 or 3 years. I'll take King Woody any day over that inbred family over there. I mean, don't get me wrong, waving is great and all, but I need a bit more talent and accomplishment from my own personal foreign sovereign. Best of all, I think, would be some sort of time-share where Woody and The Bob would take turns ruling over us, benevolently of course. Woody on all our coins and The Bob on all the paper money. And we could swear allegiance to either, or both, of them.
And, finally, I have to ask one more question: Why on earth would God give a crap about saving the Queen anyway?
Mike Cowie (Oredakedo)
Sunday, June 18th, 2006
For a piece on misplaced Canadian nationalism click here: The Nonsensical Nationalism Rant: A Nation Built On Zed
And for a piece on the Canadian media read this: The Canadian Media Rant: Trashing Heather and Naomi While Still Lovin' Brian
And for a recent piece on Canadian politics try this: Thank You Quebec: The Canadian Election Rant (Part 3)
For more on Canadian politics click here: Politics: Canada
And for a recent piece on American politics check this out: Fear and Loathing in The Heartland: Republicans' Lovefest With Ignorance
And for lots more on politics of all types visit the Politics Homepage