The Sound of Saccharine: The Sour "Honey" Rant
Ok, contrary to what some of you may believe, I have no problem admitting when I've screwed up. And it appears that in this case I most certainly have. A couple of days ago I was informed that I had left an excruciatingly bad, and poll altering, song off the Worst Song of All Time Poll list last month. My friend Chris, who informed me of this crucial omission, was adamant that it belonged on the list and that people would have voted for it if only given the chance. Well, feeling her passion, and not yet understanding the root cause of her feelings, I went and found it on YouTube and now, after having heard it, have no choice but to agree with her that the final results of the poll are completely distorted.
After checking out this clip I think you'll all agree that had everyone had a chance to vote for this song it most likely would have come in somewhere in the Top 3.
The song is called "Honey" and is performed by Bobby Goldsboro. Some of you old-timers might even remember it from your youth, hopefully not too fondly though. It was a #1 hit way back in 1968. I mean, what were you people thinking?!
Anyhow, you've heard sappy shit before, you've encountered schmaltzy sentimental crap, even infuriatingly bathetic, maudlin pap, but insipid, inane garbage like this is truly extraordinary in its horrific suckiness. To be honest, it's actually quite hilarious. Check it out:
"Honey" by Bobby Goldsboro
Now, if you made it to the end of the clip, there's something I think I should clarify for you: "Honey" didn't actually die of natural causes, as Bobby insinuates. No way, she definitely shot herself in the head because she simply couldn't take Bobby singing this soul-destroying song to her anymore!
And here's the story to go with the song: Chris, the friend who informed me about "Honey", used to be together with my friend Peter. They had a thing going on for a couple/few years there way back in the early 80s. Well, two nights ago I was over at Peter's place and I just had to inform him about Chris' message, especially seeing that she had mentioned that this hideously bad song may have, in fact, been one of Peter's favorite tunes. Until two days ago I had never been able to figure out just what had driven them apart, but now I finally know. It was "Honey".
So, anyhow, Peter and I watched the song on YouTube and right when it started to play - and this is a true story - Kaishan, who hardly ever cries even when he falls down and smashes his head, burst into tears and said "Scary song! Scary song!". I kid you not. This kid knows his music. He dances and plays a wicked air guitar to everything from Dylan to Kanye West to The White Stripes to The Stones to Aretha to Amy Winehouse, but he instinctively knew that the only option available when "Honey" came on was, well, tears. True story!
A song so bad it drives young couples apart and causes young children to cry. Does anyone need any more proof than that that this is a song that belongs on the Worst Songs Ever list?
Mike Cowie (Oredakedo)
Wednesday, November 7th, 2007
P.S. Since I believe in full disclosure I think it's important that I also mention that this Bobby Goldsboro fellow had another hit called "Butterfly For Bucky". Really! And still another called "Me and The Elephants". Yet another, incredibly, called "Watching Scotty Grow" and, if all that wasn't bad enough, one more entitled "The Cowboy and The Lady". I don't believe we actually need to hear any of those to imagine just how bad Bobby Goldsboro's Greatest Hits would be to listen to from start to finish. And I better stop here because I think I could be giving the terrorists ideas.