What If: The Sex and Hunger Rant
What if religion and, especially, hardcore religious types treated hunger (one of the essential human drives) the same way they treat sex (another of the essential human drives)? What if they were to be suffering from the same Obsession/Repulsion Disorder in relation to food as they are in relation to sex and human sexuality? Can you imagine it? I sure can:
You thought about a cheese sandwich outside of meal time? Say 10 Hail Marys.
She ate lunch outside of the prescribed and sanctified lunch hour, stone her to death!
He ate an orange off of his tree before the harvest ceremony had made the eating of oranges sacrosanct, 50 lashes and then 2 years of shunning for the Infidel!
They enjoyed a pizza together. That is disgusting, despicable, immoral, repulsive, God-hating behavior. She must have tempted him. Put her to death. Give him a couple of lashes.
That movie insinuated that Christ had hunger cravings! Picket the theaters and boycott the corporate parent company of the studio! Christ may have been half fully human, but he sure as hell never thought about food! Only a depraved mind would ever even consider such a horrendously disrespectful thing about Our Lord.
That book suggested that the Prophet ate a piece of fruit before it was ripe, burn the vile, evil book and kill the wretched author for God!
Beware of Satan and all of his wicked ways: If one were to give into Satan's temptations by thinking about food too often one just might find oneself banished to Purgatory. And if one were to fail to feel appropriately guilty enough about ones sinful thoughts one might not even make it as far as Purgatory. Just something to think about children.
God is watching you whenever you touch your food. Don't play with your own food! For God's sake don't be a sinner! Don't force God to judge you!
She felt tempted when she saw that beef jerky. He got excited when he saw those peaches. From now on they must be chaperoned whenever in the presence of beef jerky and peaches.
She enjoys her food too much - way too much! I mean, she enjoys it once a day sometimes. She needs a lobotomy to control her sinful cravings.
Cookies tempt people, therefore all cookies must stay covered whenever outside of their own cookie jars, especially whenever in the presence of those who desire cookies.
All food must be eaten in the Seated-In-Chair position, all other positions are immoral and an abomination.
Thou shall not dip thy hand into thy friend's box of Fruit Loops, lest thou forget the glory God has bestowed upon thy sanctified union with thine box of Fruit Tarts. Should thou even lookith at another's box, not only shall thou go boxless till death, but seven generations of thy progeny shall also be completely deprived of box (Fruit Loops, Fruit Tarts and all other).
She put her cherry in her girlfriend's banana split when God clearly intended bananas, and only bananas, to go into banana splits. It's unnatural! It's disgusting! Just look at the shape of a banana split and you'll see God's intent. And as St. Paul himself said in 1 Cor. 6:9-10: One who puts thy banana where thy cherry should go, or vice versa, shall rot in hell for all eternity.
Mary went without food, like, you know, forever. In fact, she never ate food once in her life. Never even thought about eating. How did she do it? Well, she had Immaculate Ingestion. Man, was she ever pure!
Mike Cowie (Oredakedo)
Friday, May 4th, 2007
If you liked this piece you'll probably enjoy this one as well: Touching The Untouchables #5: Pedophile God
And this one too: The Don't Thank God For The Lunacy of The Runaway Ego Rant
And you should definitely check this out: Another Hilarious Stephen Colbert Clip: "Better Know a Lobby - Atheism"
For more on Religion click here: Religion
And for a somewhat different topic try this: Fear and Loathing in The Heartland: Republicans' Lovefest With Ignorance