Touching The Untouchables #4: "Loving God" - The X'mas Special (Comin' Out Of The Closet)

All you fans of "Touching The Untouchables" will be excited to see that the much-loved segment is finally back. Just in time for X'mas too! And this time we're discussing "Loving God".

"Loving God" may, in fact, be the guy's given name, but, like the Black Eyed Peas featuring Justin Timberlake, I just want to know "where is the love?"

I'm not here to comment on the intentional mass murder of almost every human being on the planet in that Great Flood event, including the millions of babies and little children who, it would seem, were deemed deserving of death due to their parents' supposedly sinful ways; nor am I here to talk about the wrathful turning into salt pillars of those who disobeyed an order; nor the killing of all those Egyptian baby boys; nor the ordering of the Israelis to slaughter all of the people of Canaan.

And I'm not even here to comment on the sadistic lifelong torture of Job simply to make some ridiculous point about keeping one's faith no matter how horrible your existence may become.

No, all that crap inflicted by the so-called "Loving God" has been commented on already by quite a few people over the ages (often at the cost of their lives, mind you; lives taken not by "Loving God", of course, but by his most righteous of followers).

Let's leave aside for the moment the fact that calling such an angry, vengeful, jealous, wrathful, pissed-off, bloodthirsty god a "Loving God" is more than just a bit ridiculous.

I think that's pretty obvious to everyone already; even if few would dare raise the topic and no matter how hard many might try to rationalize away what's actually written in the Bible.

Much like with the co-dependent family members of a drug addict or the followers of some clearly insane guru, reality, it seems, must not be allowed to intrude on one's fantasized perception of the situation. But, like I said, that's not really what I'm here to comment on today.

Why Only One Son?

What I am here to ask is this: What's with the whole "only begotten son" thing? I mean, think about it, if you're an All-Powerful God who can flood the world on a whim, set bushes on fire, get hoards of people to run around with only one sandal on (oops, that was Brian, wasn't it?) ... and create and sustain a whole horrific subgenre of music called Christian Rock, then surely you can make more than just one son, right?! You could probably even have triplets if you wanted. Perhaps you could even have a daughter.

Of course it's not quite as tragic and heartwrenching a story if it's only one of, say, six kids who dies for everybody's supposed sins. And I guess the ongoing guilt trip wouldn't work as well, would it?

You Gotta Have Faith

I suppose I'll never really understand this whole faith thing, will I? Just call me clueless. I mean, some people (close to a billion actually) think that if you rub Ganesh's trunk then you'll become more prosperous. Others believe that if you kneel down 5 times a dddddddddddddddddd, no I'm not going to go there, um, ah... I mean if you flock to the pancake house where someone said they saw the image of the Virgin Mary in their maple syrup, then your sick relative will miraculously recover.

The truth is, since I'm quite committed to the whole idea of rational thought - which faith has absolutely nothing to do with, of course - I don't really think there's any way I'll ever get this whole faith thing. And I mean that in both senses of the term.

Equality No One Needs

And, by the way, what's with some people wanting this "Loving God" to be represented as female anyway? I mean, I'd say a Great Creator, if one actually existed, would have to be female (or male and female), but who would want to represent this particular petty, angry, jealous, wrathful "Loving God" guy of Biblical fame as female? That's only equality in pettiness, if you ask me. And who needs that? And, besides, a female God wouldn't have come out in support of a book that says you can sell your daughters into slavery, now would she have? Nor would she have ordered someone to kill his son as a "test of loyalty" (what is this, The Sopranos?). Plus you can't have a female god impregnating that virgin Mary woman now can you? That'd clearly raise the whole gay marriage debate and you simply don't want to go there, at least not over X'mas.

And, yeah, I know the Rationalizers and Explainers can always find some wonderful message and moral in everything and anything, but there's really no "moral" or "story" in many of these tales, at least not one I'd want inflicted on any kids - or anyone - I know.

Canaan: The Divine Genocide

Come on now people, it's time to simply admit it, there's just no way around the fact that the Loving God-ordered mass murder of the people of Canaan is nothing less than a genocide, straight and simple - rationalize and explain away all you like. And the story of pissed-off-at-the-parents-therefore-must-kill-all-the-children-on-the-planet "Loving God the Flooder" is really nothing more than the story of an angry pissed-off mass murderer, isn't it? I mean, really, the guy sounds like a disgruntled postal worker or something. Or worse, that guy with the little moustache. And I don't mean Chaplin.

Seriously, The Rationalizers and Explainers would try to explain away the Holocaust if it appeared in their "Good Book" as "God's Will". And, really, isn't that exactly what's already going on with the "explanations" and rationalizations offered up about the whole divinely and immaculately planned Canaan genocide? It all sounds pretty straightforward to me:

"You must destroy them totally. Make no treaty with them and show them no mercy." Yeah, and gouge out their eyeballs while you're at it! Kill 'em real good!

... By Any Other Name

Now if Loving God and all his Rationalizers and Explainers would just call a psychotically vengeful, wrathful and genocidal deity "A Psychotically Vengeful, Wrathful and Genocidal Deity" then that would be a lot more honest. Or they could at the very least go with a slightly more accurate title like, say, "Petty and Vengeful God" or "Wrathful and Totally Pissed-Off God" or "Irritated and Not Particularly All That Friendly God".

Straight Outta The Closet

I mean, all these centuries later isn't it time to stop living behind false labels? Isn't it time to stop living a lie. Isn't it time that "Loving God" finally came out of the closet and admitted just who he really is, with the full support of his family of Manipulators (i.e. Rationalizers and Explainers) of course.

He needn't worry too much about losing support, at least not from his most hardcore supporters, because that's the part of "Loving God" that the fundamentalists have always loved best anyways. And, truth be told, they were always a bit uncomfortable with that whole hippyish, weak-on-the-War-On-Sin-sounding title of "Loving God" to begin with.

So, it's decided then. "Loving God" comes out of the closet, throws off all false pretenses, picks a more honest and macho name and takes all of his hardcore followers away someplace to rejoice and slaughter something. Hopefully then all the other less rabid, more peaceful and loving followers can simply just move on.

And that's my X'mas wish for the world.

Mike Cowie (Oredakedo)
December 20th, 2006


If you liked this piece you'll probably enjoy this one as well: Touching The Untouchables #5: Pedophile God


Or this: The Don't Thank God For The Lunacy of The Runaway Ego Rant


For more on Religion click here: Religion


And for more in this "Untouchables" series click here: Touching the Untouchables


And on a somewhat different topic try this: Fear and Loathing in The Heartland: Republicans' Lovefest With Ignorance


Or this: Red, (Very) White and Clueless: The Tale of Two Americas


MikesAndDislikes Home

you seem to be very ignorant

you seem to be very ignorant of the bible. the bible clearly states that the reason that these people were killed was because of the JUSTICE of God. with the flood the people were killed because they were wicked and because those generations were killed, future generations were spared from going to Hell. furthermore, the nations that the Israelites killed were also wicked people. it says in the book of Genesis that the wickedness of the Canaanites had not yet come to full yet. which basically means that they weren't bad enough yet to be beyond the ability to repent. He IS a God of love, but He is also a just God. it is like a teacher. just because a teacher loves his students and desires for them to do well doesn't mean that they cannot fail. if they do not meet the requirements of the teacher, even a loving teacher has to fail the student. does that mean that you and i cannot love because we give a right consequence for actions? absolutely not. it just means that along with being a loving God, He is also just. so perhaps the psychotic one is the person who wants to attack Christianity without really truly investigating that there may be logic behind it. perhaps you're just a coward that is too scared to really investigate the truth of Christianity because you know that if it IS true, you actually have to respond to it by either changing your life, or living with the knowledge of a lake of fire with no hope that awaits you. just a thought.